why do I have this stupid feeling that my night is gonna be shit? I feel like crying, now.


why do I want to cry? I don’t know. Maybe is just this feeling inside my chest that’s killing me… I’m missing my parents. I’m sick of my dreams never coming true [well, at least not the ones I wanted to]. I’m sick that no guy truly loves me for who I am. I’m sick of being mocked at school. I’m sick of knowing the people I need to hug, I don’t see everyday. I’m sick that I want to move out, and can’t find the courage. I’m sick that I want to change, but can’t find any braveness inside of me. I’m sick of being weak and hurt. Most of all, I’m sick that the people I love keep getting hurt. and not only the people I love, but the people who had helped me before, without asking nothing back. I’m sick that this world seems to be upside down. I’m sick that my brothers keep blamming me for everything that happens around me. I’m sick that they don’t truly care for my achievements. I’m sick of feeling a bubble of loneliness sorrounding me. I’m sick of living in this fucking country. I’m sick of being myself.
But, at the same time, I’m glad of being myself. I’m glad of not being a senseless bitch. I’m glad of who I’ve become. I’m glad that I can hide my feelings so well that the others don’t get hurt. I’m glad some people recognize my [supposedly] writing-skills. I’m glad that even some people tell me I can actually sing very well. I’m glad that I have my true friends, after all. I’m glad that I still have feelings.
Yeah, it’s crazy, but it appears that the things I’m sick of, are many more than the things I’m glad of. Yet, I’m still alive. Why? music and friends help me through it. and I have no other way to reward them, then to say thank you, and dedicate them this little verses of a song I wrote:

“I never wanna hear you say goodbye,
‘Cause through it all you kept me alive.
Through all my blood and all my fire,
You never left, you brought me back to life.
And through the darkness and the pain,
The innocence that flew away
You kept me here, hold to the ground,
I never wanna let you down.”



demons&terror, shadow&sorrow, unicorns&vampires, blood&darkness.



tons of bloody messy muffin chemical echelon para-love for all of you.



this is Ephedrine Ruby, signing off.

—-XO—-